Warring with His Sovereign Promises, Part 1.5

I'm going to preface this post right now by saying just breathe, okay? Seriously. Breathe. Hopefully you're ready, because I'm going to go on a little bunny trail before jumping back into Joshua 1:9. You can thank my wonderfully many-tabbed brain of mine for this side quest.

This week I've been sitting back a bit and just watching, waiting. I've been processing something internally with the Lord for a little bit. I recognize that I tend to get quiet when I'm working things through His lenses versus my own. For me, that's actually a really good thing.

For many years, going to my Abba with my problems and issues was not my first go-to solution. I'm an external processor, and I wanted to talk it out with someone who'd actually talk back. (Shhh. I know what you're going to say. Just stick with me for a moment.) I'd call a friend or find a roommate. I would word vomit over people and not realize it. I will be the first to admit that my hot mess was a hot mess on top of THAT hot mess.

I had to hit a period in my life where there was no longer anyone around me to talk to. It was a true desert season, one that was filled with loneliness and bitterness - towards me, other people, and God. I was angry at Him. I didn't understand why I was in the land of no water. Those were three very long years. There weren't many weeks that I didn't breakdown at least once.

The anger, loneliness and bitterness were tearing me apart inside. Not just me, but other important relationships as well. I hurt people. I wasn't kind. My thoughts weren't kind. I told my counselor that all I felt was this deep ball pit of rage inside of me.

And that was the key. I had to open my mouth and admit to God and myself that He and I weren't okay for a very long time. Let me amend that. I wasn't okay with Him. He was always okay with me - His love never stopped. It was mine.

I'm sure that probably shocks quite a number of people who know me now. I walk and carry joy inside of me. I shift atmospheres with the joy of the Lord. Breakthrough happens, spirit of suicide flees, anxiety is no longer, depression is defeated, when I carry joy into those heavy places.

What you didn't see was the deep battle waging inside of me. When I finally admitted to my counselor that the deep well existed, she told me, "I was waiting for you to figure it out." le gasp I think I gave her the death stare and complained. HAHA

Here's why I'm telling you all of that. I had to get to a point in my life where I recognized that I had a choice. I could choose to remain in the pit of hell, where the rage sat inside me, or I could choose to battle, fight and claw my way back to the light.

I chose to fight. It wasn't easy. It was one of the largest, longest battles I've had to wage war. But you know what's amazing? I'VE WON! I am victorious in Christ, and I refuse to allow the enemy to steal the joy that my Abba has given me.

It's during that long battle that I began to do what I like to call, "Alex's version of the Bible". (I promise, this is relevant to waging war with sovereign promises, and it's not contradictory to the Word of God.)

It was during that season where I began to dig deep into word studies. I needed to understand what He meant when He said I was the apple of His eye. I needed to understand why no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I had to get the logos word to become a rhema word - living, breathing and active.

As I began taking deep, hours long dives into the Word and breaking it down, my brain took to it like a giant 1k puzzle. All of these snippets of definitions, Hebrew and Greek lexicon, various versions of the Word started to just...come together in my brain. I started to write out scripture putting all of those pieces together in a way that made sense to me.

I may not have realized until recently that that's not a, um, "normal" occurrence most people do. And that's completely okay. I've stopped attempted to figure out normal long ago. That ship has sailed off into the yonder blue horizon. Okay. Back to my brain thing now.

I didn't have words to what I was doing at the time. Now I know those were decrees and declarations I was writing and praying. I was waging war before I realized I was actually raging war. It's out of that overflow that my prayers become arrows I could actually see. That was one of my first mystical encounters - seeing the arrows fly and watching them land in areas I was hours, if not days, away.

As I'm writing this tonight, I felt led to share this prayer using the armor of God. I had to learn to put the armor of God on in the morning and reaffirm its security in the evening. For those of you who are weary, and battle worn:

I speak His tangible peace and rest as you speak and place the armor of God over yourself and your family. I release a flood of His supernatural joy in your heart, mind, spirit, soul and body. I release His tangible, irresistible, fierce, fiery love over each one of you as He Himself places His armor on you. I release His steadfast spirit over your mind and your heart. I release His sound mind as you lay to rest. His banner over you is love. Look up as He ebbs and flows in the inhale and exhale of your breath. He is with you. Even on the darkest of nights, He was with you. It's okay to rest in His presence. You're no longer alone.

In Him and His ever-increasing love,

Alex Flint